


Unravel

by mildly_obsessed



Category: Free!
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Author spent entirely too long picking out engagement rings for fictional characters, Canon Divergent, Eavesdropping, Insecure!Makoto, M/M, Marriage Proposal, Misunderstandings, background rintori, past rinharu - Freeform, so was teenage rin, teenage haru was real dumb
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-01
Updated: 2015-10-02
Packaged: 2018-04-24 07:36:32
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 9,078
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4910851
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mildly_obsessed/pseuds/mildly_obsessed
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Makoto was really happy with the ring he'd had made for Haru, though he was still a little nervous about proposing on their anniversary the next day. But he was also pretty confident - any real doubts he'd had before had faded a long time ago - so even with the nerves, he was sure the answer would be yes.</p><p>And then twenty seconds of a conversation he was never meant to hear turned all his hope into devastation, and Makoto knew that the life he'd built with Haru was about to fall to pieces.</p><p>***</p><p>Part Two: The rest of the conversation between Rin and Haru, and Haru's thoughts on how he and Makoto came to be.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Pulling the String

**Author's Note:**

> I'm very excited to post this! It was fun to write, but it sure felt like it took forever for a measly 6200 words!
> 
> Please enjoy :)
> 
>  **Edit:** There is going to be a second part to this that will hopefully clarify some things. My ideas have changed a bit with the comments I received, and I realized that the fic is incomplete as it stands.
> 
> Thank you to all who have commented so far!

Despite the fact today had been one of the more difficult ones he’d had at work recently, Makoto couldn’t help the skip in his step. He’d gotten a very special call that morning, letting him know that Haru’s anniversary gift was ready, and he couldn’t wait to see it. It had taken a long time to pick out, because it was such an important gift, and Makoto wanted it to be perfect.

Well, he supposed, he and Haru had never been exactly perfect, but he really, really wanted this to be.

As he walked into the jewelry store and caught sight of Mayu-san, the woman who had made his special-order ring, he felt a smile break out over his face.

She greeted him cheerfully and guided him to the counter, where she pulled out a small velvet box, saying, “Tachibana-san, I’m so glad you’re here! I can’t wait to show you, I think you’ll really love how it turned out,” as Makoto carefully took it out to examine it.

It was truly beautiful, the dark abalone inlay shining dimly with deep blues, greens, and purples that swirled together in a still-life imitation of the sea. Makoto could feel the water in his hands, and the tungsten band around the shell held it perfectly. He felt in his bones that Haru would appreciate it, but hoped in his heart that he would treasure it.

Makoto put the ring back in the box, smiling at the salesperson. “It’s perfect, I can’t thank you enough.”

She returned his smile with a bright one of her own; a true craftsman, she was exceptionally proud of her work. The thanked him in return, and they made small talk as she rang him up.

“I hope your special someone is happy with their gift,” she said, and Makoto could hear the unspoken words; she knew what the ring was for, and what gender his “special someone” was, given the masculinity of the ring.

“I know he’ll love it,” Makoto replied, looking down shyly and adding, “I just hope he says yes.”

“Sweet, handsome man like you, who’s willing to put so much time and effort into a ring? How could he not!” she winked at him, and Makoto blushed.

“Ah, no no, that’s too much...” Makoto started, but Mayu-san waved her hand and smiled.

“Not at all. I’m sure he’ll be very happy.”

“Keep your fingers crossed for me!” Makoto said brightly, and she laughed a little as she handed him the box.

“Oh! Remember to be gentle with the ring; the shell is fragile and might crack if you drop it,” she said, walking back around the counter to see Makoto to the door. “I applied a clear resin over it to help it set and make it less likely to break, but still, try not to drop it on a hard surface.”

“I’ll be careful, and I’ll pass the message along,” Makoto reassured, before waving and hastily leaving the store. He had 10 minutes to catch the train, or he’d be stuck at the station for another 30 minutes.

As he walked to the station, he thought back over the years that he and Haru had spent together, and the strength of their bond, how unbreakable they were. He’d had his doubts for a long, long time after they’d first started dating (Haru’s sudden confession had been on the tail end of Rin leaving for Australia, right after he and Haru broke it off), but now he was sure; they were forever. Makoto wanted Haru in every way there was to want a person, and was sure that Haru felt the same; he'd really felt the effort Haru had put into showing Makoto he was loved, starting the day he confessed.

‘Tomorrow,’ Makoto thought, fingering the box in his pocket as he sat on the train, ‘Tomorrow, I’ll ask him to marry me.’

***

Makoto quietly opened the door to the apartment, about to call out to Haru before thinking better of it, deciding maybe he could surprise him instead. He was riding the giddy high of having Haru’s ring to propose tomorrow, on their anniversary; he had it all planned out, and was thankful that the ring had actually been finished in time. He’d taken so long working with Mayu-san to get it just right, fretting over the inlay and metal and design, that he’d almost mucked the whole thing up.

So he carefully shut the apartment door, silently taking off his shoes and stepping lightly as he made his way to their bedroom. He could hear Haru’s voice floating down the hall, and was just about to open the door when he heard Rin’s slightly computerized voice; Haru must have been on Skype.

Makoto hesitated, unsure if he should say interrupt to say hello, when he heard Rin say, “Y’know, I think in some ways, I still love you like I did in high school.”

Makoto felt his entire body go still even as he willed it to move. This was a private conversation, not for his ears, not something he even wanted to hear, and he really needed to be absolutely anywhere else.

“I think I do, too,” Haru replied, and Makoto’s entire world narrowed down to the fact that he couldn’t breathe in, like a lead weight had been pressed into his entire torso.

“Do you ever have regrets? About us?” Rin asked, and Makoto’s heart started up again, beating double time even as his throat closed tightly around what little saliva he tried to swallow. It was quiet, so quiet for a moment that seemed like a hellish eternity with Makoto rapidly losing faith in everything he knew with each second that passed. Makoto’s blood felt cold when Haru finally replied.

“Sometimes.”

Everything around Makoto faded in an instant. He couldn’t hear, he could barely see anything, and it felt like his head was overflowing with a dense liquid. He knew this feeling; he was in the ocean, drowning at the mercy of the waves.

He stepped away from the door as quietly as he could, moving on autopilot to the entrance hall to slip his shoes back on. He wasn’t actually sure about whether or not he was making any noise, because his ears were ringing so badly and there was blood pulsing in his eardrums. He barely had a mind to get his keys, but he thought he somehow managed to leave the apartment mostly silently.

Or, at least, Haru wasn’t coming after him.

Everything was hazy around him as he locked the door, resting his head against it for a moment before he turned and looked around the breezeway. He started walking, not really noticing anything or anyone around him. He bumped into things, not really feeling it. He thought he might have knocked a garbage can over. He didn’t really know.

He felt like someone had bled him out.

His insecurities had just been stripped down bare and flayed. All the things he’d ever thought in the back of his mind, about how he’d been Haru’s second choice since Rin left for Australia’s competitive circuit, about how Haru would have been better off with Rin, happier with Rin, that Haru regretted his relationship with Makoto, that Haru didn’t really love Makoto, not the way he’d loved Rin, because they’d been so intense, and Haru had never shown him anything like that, he’d never inspired Haru, he wasn’t what Haru really wanted-

He made it to a park before he collapsed onto a bench, burying his face in his hands and just trying to breathe, to make his world make sense again. Those were doubts he thought he’d let go of; not even twenty minutes ago, he’d been sure that Haru would marry him. That he’d want to marry him. That he’d want to spend the rest of his life with Makoto. That he loved Makoto.

What was happening, how had this all gone to hell with a few words he was never meant to hear?

Makoto squeezed his eyes shut, and his thoughts exploded in a frenzy of doubt and pain.

In a way, he’d always known. Rin had been Haru’s first love, and they’d been a whirlwind of passion, each other’s entire world for three months before Rin had left. Makoto acutely remembered the heartbreak of watching his best friend - and his own first love - fall madly in love with someone who’d always made Haru burn with something Makoto had never seen in him before.

Makoto’s reality crashed down around him as he realized, not for the first time, but for the first time in a long time, that he would never - could never - be what Rin had been for Haru. He could never be who made Haru’s soul shine.

Makoto was so stupid, so selfish to have ever thought that Haru could ever really, truly be happy with him, that he could be satisfied spending the rest of his life with Makoto. Boring, bland, dull Makoto. Why would anyone choose that over the brightness of Rin? What did he even really offer Haru?

He knew, though. He was that stability, that safety for Haru. And that’s all he was.

Makoto took a deep breath, holding it for as long as he could, and rubbed his face in his hands as he exhaled harshly.

He needed to pause, here. Take a moment. His mind was spinning out of control, and his insecurities were eating him alive. The thoughts he was having weren’t true. Couldn’t be true. Haru had chosen to stay in Japan, had come to Makoto first, confessed to him, and they’d been together for six years. Not all of that could have been for nothing.

But Haru still loved Rin, in some way. Haru had regrets. He hadn’t answered Rin with a firm “no,” but had told him that he did regret… something, and Makoto’s instincts told him that Haru’s real regret was not following Rin to Australia.

These were things Makoto had always felt in the back of his mind, but in the last year, he’d started to hope. He’d gotten it into his head that maybe his fears about Haru’s feelings for Rin were unfounded, had started feeling like Haru genuinely wanted him. Makoto had felt so sure that now he was sitting there with a ring in his pocket meant to ask Haru to spend the rest of their lives together, and he felt the little box burn him through his clothes.

Makoto leaned back, staring into the twilight before closing his eyes.

He was making the wrong decision by proposing. He could see it now: he'd propose, and Haru would say yes because he wouldn’t want to hurt Makoto, and then he would be trapped in this relationship that he didn’t really want while his heart beat with Rin a continent away. Could Makoto really live with himself, live a life with Haru knowing that it wasn’t really where he belonged?

No, Makoto had to do what was right. Haru’s happiness was up to him, now, and it wasn’t in the sense that he had to make Haru happy; rather, he had to let him go so he could seek his true happiness. When it came down to it, Makoto would have to give him up.

That was reality.

He felt so undeniably empty with that thought, as if someone had taken everything within him and simply made it vanish. His hope, his future, his heart, all of it felt like it had just… disappeared. He didn’t feel heavy, but he didn’t feel light. He simply felt like he was nothing.

‘Haru, why did you never tell me? Why did you settle for me?’

His mind went blank, and he sat for a long time, existing in a world of nothingness. He imagined that this was what life without Haru would be, and could feel the creeping insanity looming like a scythe above him.

His phone vibrated, shocking him into the present. A text.

 **Haru:** _Where are you?_

Makoto shut his phone, bit his lip. He didn’t know how to answer. He opened his phone again, stared at it for a long moment.

 **Sent:** _Shimura-san insisted we go out for drinks, and you know how pushy he can be! Probably best not to wait up, you have training early tomorrow_.

(He figured the little white lie was nothing in the face of the lies he’d been telling himself through the entirety of their relationship.)

To his surprise, his phone buzzed again; normally Haru would have just let it be at that.

 **Haru:** _I’ll wait. Come home soon._

Makoto would normally feel warm with a response like that, but instead an intense dread drenched his bones.

 **Draft:** _Don’t._

Delete.

 **Sent:** _No, it’s okay, we might be late! I’ll see you tomorrow, I’m getting off early for our dinner!_

 **Haru:** _What’s wrong?_

Makoto wanted to cry. Of course, _of course_ the one time he needed Haru to just let it go, he wouldn’t leave it alone.

 **Sent:** _Nothing’s wrong, we just had a long day. Maki-chan had a meltdown, and it was hard on us all. Probably set her back a good ways in getting used to the water._

At least that much was true - one of his handicapped students had an issue mid-afternoon that had taken a lot of effort to resolve. It had left Makoto genuinely tired, despite his excitement over Haru’s ring.

Again, his phone buzzed.

 **Haru:** _Come home soon_.

Makoto couldn’t bring himself to respond, because home was the last place he wanted to be.

He checked the time, seeing that it was already past eight. Crap, no wonder Haru had texted, Makoto was supposed to be home two and a half hours ago.

He smiled a little, feeling touched at Haru’s concern in spite of everything, and he thought, maybe, that even if he wasn’t what was best for Haru, he could somehow hang onto this precious, precious life they’d built together.

Keep living in the dream, even if it was a lie from Haru’s end.

Makoto sighed deeply, standing up. He needed to walk, get moving, actually think about what to do with the conversation he’d overheard earlier, because the knowledge was heavy and the decision would be too.

But they’d been happy, right? He and Haru, these last six years... hadn’t they been happy? Or at least comfortable? They were doing okay.

Or was that just Makoto? Had that always just been Makoto? Even though Haru had been the one to confess, Makoto knew he hadn’t exactly been subtle about his feelings. He’d been a ghost with a smile painted on his face the entire time Haru and Rin had dated, and he’d known that Haru saw straight through him. Maybe Haru had just been sacrificing his happiness for Makoto’s with a false confession.

Haru had sacrificed his happiness for him, something which, Makoto realized with horror and revulsion, was something that he lacked the strength to do for Haru now.

Even as he thought about the possibility - no, the reality - that Haru would be happier with Rin (Rin, who would light the flame of Haru’s heart, make him shine like he was always meant to… God, Makoto was so, so stupid), the idea of losing Haru made him soul sick. Imagining a life where he woke up alone, or to the face of someone else, felt like it wouldn’t be a life at all, but rather a death sentence. Those thoughts were like having a waking nightmare.

(In a way, this entire evening had been a waking nightmare.)

Even still, he didn’t think he had it in him to let Haru go.

And there was always the fact that he hadn’t even talked to Haru about any of this, and maybe he was overreacting. Maybe Haru wasn’t miserable with him, didn’t feel trapped like Makoto was imagining. Maybe he was happy.

'But he’d be happier with Rin. He still loves him. He has regrets. He regrets _me.'_

Makoto’s stomach growled angrily, and he realized that he was hungry. He walked out of the park and toward a convenience store to get something to eat, because even though he felt like he was going to vomit, he’d been through enough health courses to know that skipping a meal would truly make him physically sick.

He bought milkbread, which wasn’t exactly the most nutritious thing, but was the only thing he thought he could stomach. He ate slowly, and didn’t taste it. His head was alternately drowning and overwhelmed, or completely blank. He imagined that maybe this was some kind of emotional shock.

He walked back to the park, sat down on a different bench. Night had settled in, and it was starting to get chilly, the evening air cooling the streets from the warm day. He registered that it was cold, but didn’t really feel it. He checked the time.

Nine o’clock, on the dot. Haru should be getting ready for bed.

Makoto still didn’t know what to do.

He pulled the ring in its small velvet box from his pocket, opening it and staring at it hard, as if maybe it had the answers. It really was beautiful, but it was also silent, not offering Makoto any solace or solution.

He closed the box.

He wouldn’t give it to Haru.

He made a snap decision to never propose, so that Haru would always have the option to leave. He’d been planning to whisk him off to Shibuya to make it as legal as possible, but he wouldn’t put Haru through that now.

But he couldn’t give up Haru on his own, either. He was too selfish, and he knew he would stay until Haru told him to go. He wanted Haru’s happiness, but he also wanted Haru, and surely they’d been happy enough? Maybe?

Hell, Makoto really was selfish. He knew, deep down, that Haru wouldn’t leave him, because the reality was that losing him would break Makoto irrevocably. So it would have to be up to Makoto to end it so that Haru wouldn’t be guilt-ridden, and even though it made him feel like scum, he just didn’t have it in him to do it.

But he should, god, he should just end it. Stop this charade, let Haru go. Let him be free. He would be free with Rin.

With Makoto, he was shackled.

No. No, that wasn’t right, it wasn’t right for Haru to be trapped anywhere, by anyone.

He could let Haru go. He would… He would go home, right now, tell Haru that he should plan to visit Rin, and he’d make up some excuse that he would have to work, something, anything so that he wouldn’t be able to go with Haru, and in the weeks before the trip, Makoto would apply for jobs in other cities - he’d miss his kids at the center, but he’d need a clean break, yeah, a clean break - and then he’d pack while Haru was away, so when he got back Makoto would be gone - of course, Makoto would leave his half of the rent for up until their lease ran out so he wouldn’t leave Haru hanging, he had the savings - and over his trip, Haru would have reconnected with Rin, and they’d come back together as they should have been from the start and it would be -

Wait, what the hell? What kind of thoughts were those? That would never work. Makoto was obviously losing his head over this, hadn’t been thinking straight at all since he’d heard his worst fears spill out of Haru’s mouth, but he just couldn’t keep his mind from going haywire. His entire world had been turned upside down in a matter of minutes, and everything felt impossible. That was the only word that could describe his situation - impossible.

It was impossible to leave. It was impossible to let Haru go. It was impossible to keep Haru for himself. It was impossible for Haru to be truly happy as long as he was with Makoto. It was impossible for Makoto to keep living this lie. It was impossible for Makoto to pretend he’d never overheard that conversation. It was impossible to go home. It was impossible to stay away any longer.

He stood up and took a deep breath, before slowly, slowly making his way home. His feet felt like lead as he took the final steps do their doorway, and he hesitated before putting his key in the lock, swallowing thickly and wondering if he should just go to a hotel instead. He still felt like he was in a stalemate, and he was honestly afraid that he would burst into tears if he looked into Haru’s eyes.

He had to calm down. He had to stop reacting to this. He was overreacting, over thinking, overdoing everything. He leaned his head against the door, and took several long, calming breaths, the same way he instructed his kids when they panicked. After a moment, he opened the door.

And, fuck it all, the bedroom light was on, and Haru was on the couch wrapped up in a blanket watching, predictably, a documentary about the ocean.

It was all so normal, and Makoto forced away tears as he called, “I’m home!”

He’d had every intention of properly greeting Haru, but even just seeing the back of his head over the edge of the couch had suddenly overwhelmed him. He raced to the bathroom like the coward he was before Haru even had the chance to say, “Welcome home.”

Makoto put his back to the bathroom door, sliding to the floor and feeling completely lost. Why did Haru have to wait up, tonight of all nights? Makoto just needed some time to process, to think, and right then he couldn’t even look at Haru. The sight of his silhouette from the couch had choked him up, and, dammit, now there were tears rolling down his face.

It couldn’t have been thirty seconds before there was a knock on the bathroom door.

“Makoto? You okay?”

Makoto slapped his hand over his mouth and swallowed the sob that was threatening to burst from his throat. He knew it was taking him too long to reply, but he couldn’t help it.

“Makoto?”

Makoto closed his eyes, moved his hand from his mouth and took a deep breath.

“I’m fine! I just drank too much, but I’m okay. Go on to bed, I’ll be there in a little bit.” Makoto was shocked that his voice didn’t break, but he knew that Haru would still hear how messed up he was. All he could hope was that Haru would somehow, by some miracle, chalk it up to Makoto being drunk.

When he felt pressure at his back - Haru trying to open the door - he knew he wouldn’t be so lucky.

“Makoto, let me in,” Haru said, his voice firm and tinged with a confused, desperate edge.

And that was it, Makoto couldn’t take it anymore. Everything was hitting him all at once, his life with Haru was going to end, there wouldn’t be any coming back from any of this, what was he thinking, a fucking ring, why was he going to ask him to marry him, trapping Haru like that - Haru loved him, they loved each other, this was real, it couldn’t have all been a lie - Haru would never be free with Makoto-

Makoto burst into tears, sobs wracking his body as he buried his head in his knees.

“Makoto! What’s wrong?! Let me in!”

Makoto crawled to the wall opposite the door, and collapsed onto his side, his arms and legs unable to hold him up against the waves of sorrow that were washing over him.

The door burst open, and Makoto flinched when he felt Haru’s hands roll him over and pull him up into his arms. He tried to pull away, because Haru’s touch felt like fire and ice and love and pain and it was all too much, but Haru held tight, not letting Makoto move an inch.

“What happened? What’s wrong? Are you hurt?” Haru asked, and now Makoto could really hear the desperation in his voice. It eased something in him, and he regained control of his breathing.

“J-just a b-bad day,” Makoto whispered through his tears, and he felt Haru squeeze him once before pulling away a little. Makoto looked everywhere but at Haru.

“This is more than a ‘bad day,’” Haru replied, thumbing the tears away even as they spilled down Makoto's cheeks. Makoto wished that he could somehow make it so that Haru didn’t know him so well, couldn’t see through him like glass. But, knowing that wasn’t possible, he took a few deep breaths and did the only thing he could think of; he stayed silent.

Haru sighed deeply and pulled Makoto up from the floor. He’d stopped crying, and though his body was still unsteady, he gently pushed Haru away, going to the sink and gripping the edges tightly.

“I’m okay,” he said.

“You’re not,” Haru replied, coming up behind Makoto and resting his forehead against his back. There was a pause, before he continued, “And you lied; you didn’t go drinking. You don’t smell like alcohol. So tell me.”

Makoto turned on the sink and splashed his face with cold water, shifting from Haru's touch and washing the salt away to regain some clarity. He chanced a look in the mirror, and when his eyes met Haru’s the tears welled up again. He looked down at the ground, knowing Haru had caught him, and that it was only a matter of time before he figured it out.

And then, like something out of a bad drama, he saw it; the ring box lying on its side on the floor, where it had fallen out of Makoto’s pocket when he’d collapsed.

He felt the blood drain from his face, and just reacted, diving to the floor and snatching the box up, trying to clumsily shove it into his pocket with fingers that wouldn’t quite work and push past Haru at the same time. But Haru wasn’t having any of it, tightly grabbing his arm before he could force the ring in, using his weight to back Makoto up against the sink again while he yanked his hand up, revealing the box.

Makoto was staring at Haru in shock, because the last time Haru had used physical force on him had been the first and only time they’d ever fought, way back in high school. With his eyes fixed on Haru, he watched with growing dread as his eyes widened in recognition, the name of the jeweler emblazoned on the top of the box.

“This is-”

“It’s nothing!” Makoto blurted, his throat tight and feeling like he might cry again. “Just… Forget you saw it. Please, just-” his voice broke as tears welled in his eyes.

Haru’s expression was completely unreadable, something that was very rare for Makoto, but at that moment all he wanted was rewind his day and return to talking to Mayu-san at the store, to go back in time and somehow make himself stay long enough to miss the train so that never would have heard Haru and Rin confessing that they still loved each other, that they had regrets.

But that was impossible, and he was here, now, falling apart in their bathroom with his supreme idiocy on display in the form of a small box holding a ring symbolizing a life that would never be. Makoto felt himself droop, suddenly too tired to deal with anything. He didn’t want to be awake anymore; he was hurting too much.

“Is this for me?” Haru asked, taking the box from Makoto’s limp fingers. His voice was gentle, slightly breathy but demanding.

Makoto could only nod in stupefied misery as Haru opened the box.

‘The ring is fragile, just like us,’ Makoto thought absently, his body starting to go numb.

He heard Haru’s breath catch, and thought to himself that it was nice that Haru thought it was beautiful too, even if Makoto wouldn’t let him keep it. Makoto closed his eyes and just wanted, with everything in him, to lean into Haru and feel him, just one more time.

He heard the box snap shut, and then Haru was taking his hand. Makoto opened his eyes and stared resolutely at the floor, even as Haru guided him to their room and sat him down on the bed. His mind, somehow, was completely empty, as if he’d drained everything out of himself with his hours of worrying and internal struggle, and now, at the eleventh hour, he had nothing left to give.

He closed his eyes again, and heard Haru shuffling around somewhere, doing who knew what. He focused on his breath, and only his breath, because that was all he could do in the face of this nightmare.

He felt Haru’s presence in front of him, instinctual like he always was when it came to Haru.

“Makoto, open your eyes.”

With all the weight in the world, he did.

And there was Haru, kneeling in front of him with a small velvet box of his own opened wide, showing a silver band with a beautiful etching of hands holding a heart.

Makoto couldn’t breathe.

“I talked to my mom about us,” Haru started, pausing for a moment before continuing, “She said she understood, and that she’d always thought that if I’d been a girl you and I would get married, start a family. When I said that I wanted you to be a part of my family, she told me to go get the adoption papers. But… I knew you’d never leave your parents. So, I want to go to Shibuya. But first I need you to answer me,” Haru paused, took a deep breath, and Makoto was praying that he wasn’t about to ask the question that might destroy Makoto’s will to set Haru free. “Makoto, will you ma-”

Makoto stopped Haru the only way he could think to. He leaned in and kissed him, relishing the gentle touch of their lips for this one, last time. When he pulled back, Haru’s eyes were shining; that was joy on his face. Joy like Makoto hadn’t seen in a long time.

“Is that a yes?” Haru asked, taking that beautiful, beautiful ring out of the box and holding Makoto’s left hand.

Makoto turned his head away and curled his left fingers, unable to look at Haru as he answered.

“It’s a no,” he whispered, and put his head in his hands as hot tears pooled in his eyes again. “I can’t.”

It was quiet for a long time, and Makoto could feel the hurt, confusion, and shock radiating from Haru.

He heard Haru’s breath stutter harshly, before he whispered, “Why not?”

Those two words sounded so fragile, and Makoto knew he was about to shatter everything with his answer.

“I can’t marry you, Haru. I can’t tie you to me when you still-” Makoto’s voice cracked, but he swallowed hard and continued, “I can’t force you to stay with me when you still love Rin, when you regret not following him.”

“What are you talking about? I’m asking you to marry me, I don’t want or love R-”

“I heard you!” Makoto shouted, surprising both himself and Haru with his raised voice. “On Skype, with Rin. You… You… It’s always been him, right?” Makoto couldn’t stop babbling after that, words spilling out of him even as he felt strangled. “He’ll… He’ll make you happy, Haru, happier than I ever could. You’re always the most alive when you’re with him, and I know that not following him is your biggest regret, but it doesn’t have to be a mistake anymore, I can… I’ll step down, somehow, I don’t know, but I can’t marry you when it’s not me you really wa-”

“Stop.” Makoto looked up, because while Haru hadn’t raised his voice, his tone was firm and brook no argument. “Makoto, today Rin told me that he’s going to propose to Nitori-kun next month, and I showed him your ring. We talked for a little while about what happened between us, and… What exactly did you hear? Why do you believe such fucking horrible things? How could you even think-”

Makoto heard pain in his voice, in the way he cursed like he rarely ever did, but couldn’t let him continue.

“You said you still loved him,” Makoto blurted. “He asked you if you had regrets about your relationship and you said you did. So don’t lie now, Haru, please, I can’t take it.”

He watched as realization hit Haru, and froze as Haru set aside the ring and took Makoto’s hands in his own.

“Do you know why Rin and I broke up?” Haru asked.

“Because he left for Australia, and you stayed in Japan.”

Haru shook his head.

“Not exactly," he said, and seemed lost for words for a moment before asking, "Do you know why I didn’t want to leave? Why he chose not to stay here?”

Makoto blinked, confused. “Because... you don’t like change. And Rin had that huge offer from that school in Australia.”

“No,” Haru said firmly. “I stayed because this is where you are, and he left because he knew Nitori-kun would follow.”

Makoto stared at him, his turn to be stunned into silence. It stayed silent for a long time, as Haru waited for Makoto to get himself together enough to reply.

“B-but… But you were so in love with him! I barely even saw you the entire time you were dating, and he’s always been what lights a fire in you-”

“Not exactly,” Haru said again, but Makoto was lost. He could see clarity and resolution in Haru’s eyes, however, as he continued, “Rin is the fire; he’s bright, beautiful, and makes me want to try. But Makoto, you’re the water - my peace, my happiness, my center, and more beautiful than fire could ever be. I will _always_ choose the water. I will always, _always_ choose you.”

Makoto exhaled a long, shaky breath that he hadn’t realized he’d held through Haru’s small speech, and felt a laugh bubble up from his body - relief.

His doubts weren’t gone, but Haru had, in his own clumsy, lovely way, just told Makoto that he was his everything; that he was the water. Coming from Haru, that equated to the deepest confession of love anyone could ever give, and Makoto looked, really looked into his eyes, and saw no lie.

This life, with Makoto, was the one that Haru chose, and would always choose. It was the one that would make him happiest, because if Makoto really was the water for Haru, then he knew that Rin could never make him as happy.

“What about Rin?” Makoto asked, and Haru blinked at him. “Why didn’t he fight for you?”

“Because he didn’t want to, and I definitely didn't want him to either,” Haru said, like it was the simplest thing in the world. “Nitori-kun is his water, and you were the one I wanted.”

Makoto laughed again, because everything came back to water comparisons for Haru. As his laughter faded, he smiled, and held out his left hand.

“Ask me again,” he whispered, and Haru gave him one of his small, beautiful smiles.

“Tachibana Makoto, will you marry me?”

Makoto smiled, a happy, sad, relieved, exhausted smile, and answered, “Yes.”

Haru slid the ring on his finger, and leaned in to kiss the sigh from Makoto’s lips. He pulled away after a long moment, and held up his left hand, showing that there, settled on his ring finger, was the ring that Makoto was going to give him.

“You can ask me, too, if you want, but I already said yes. Sorry.”

Makoto burst out laughing, pulling Haru close and resting his head on his shoulder as he fought to keep his shaking as laughter and not tears. Haru did him one better, and pushed him back to climb in his lap, straddling his waist.

“Tomorrow,” Haru said quietly, “I was going to ask you tomorrow. We’d go to dinner and then I was going to take you to the park with the pond. You would have said yes, and then I’d have taken you home and made love to you until you couldn’t walk the next day.”

“We can still do all that,” Makoto said, smiling. “But I have to ask you, too. I was planning to, you know; pretty much the exact same plan, actually.”

“I’m not taking my ring off,” Haru said, and Makoto gave him a little squeeze.

“That’s not how proposals work, Haru-chan. Plus, if you swim with it, you might lose it.”

“I’ll glue it to my hand,” he said, deadpan, and Makoto was so glad to be laughing at Haru’s odd humor instead of packing his things to leave. It hit him, suddenly, how stupid he’d been all evening, and he blushed in shame, hiding his head in Haru’s shoulder.

“I’m sorry I doubted you,” Makoto said, quietly. Haru hummed in reply, stroking his hands up and down Makoto’s back.

“I love you,” Haru said, and Makoto was flooded with heat and joy, falling backward onto the bed and pulling Haru on top of him. Haru rarely ever said it, and just as he always did whenever Haru told him, Makoto felt a pure, light happiness settle over him.

“I love you more,” Makoto replied, teasing. He felt Haru’s body shake as he chuckled.

“We’ll call it even.”

“Sure.”

They lay in the quiet for a long time, the ambience of the city and their breathing the only background noise.

Makoto knew he was dozing off, warm and happy with Haru a heavy weight over his body, solid and present, and there to stay.

He was the water, and they were forever.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Makoto's ring for Haru](https://www.forevermetals.com/shell-tungsten-bands/epic-abalone-colored-shell-rings)  
> [Haru's ring for Makoto](https://www.forevermetals.com/beveled-tungsten-wedding-ring/claddagh-ring)  
>  Something I couldn't work into the story but is neat: Haru bought Makoto a Claddagh ring because he wanted to show recognition for the fact that he and Makoto had always been each other's best friends before they'd become lovers, but in giving him a ring would be telling him that he wanted to be with him as a lover for the rest of his life. It's all very sweet, but let's be real, Haru would be way too embarrassed to ever tell Makoto all of that to his face... Though when Makoto asks, he does tell him the name of the design, and Mako figures it out when he looks it up :)
> 
>  [tumblr](http://t0biochan.tumblr.com)


	2. Coda: Knitting Needles

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The rest of the conversation between Rin and Haru, and Haru's thoughts on how he and Makoto came to be.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope this clarifies things. I'm not sure if I'm making things worse or better, but I've learned so, so much from posting this fic, more than I have in the last many years of writing. The comments have helped me grow more than I can say, and I am grateful to all of you.
> 
> Please enjoy.
> 
>  **EDIT:** I tried tweaking Haru's reminiscing thoughts about his relationship with Rin and how he and Makoto came together quite a bit. It's probably still not up to par, but I think I'll leave this story be now. It is what it is, and in the end, I'm glad I wrote and posted this. Again, thank you to every person who left any sort of comment, it's all been so, so appreciated!

Haru was in the middle of re-watching one of his favorite ocean documentaries when his phone went off on the table. He glanced at the clock, and saw it was about time for Makoto to get off work, so he should probably check his phone since it might be him.

To his surprise, it was from Rin.

 **Rin:** _Get on Skype._

 **Haru:** _I’m busy._

 **Rin:** _You’re watching Planet Earth on the couch. Get on Skype; I’ve got something to tell you._

Haru sighed, flipping his phone shut and walking to the bedroom to the computer. It was that, or turn his phone off, and he wanted it on in case Makoto needed him.

He sat down and waited for it to boot up, wondering what exactly was so important that Rin had to talk to him right then and couldn’t wait for Saturday, their usual talk day, or even just send an email.

He logged on, and immediately Rin requested a video chat, which Haru accepted.

“Open your email,” Rin said, and he seemed excited, almost out of breath.

“Hi to you too,” Haru grumbled, but complied.

“Do you see it?” Rin asked.

If Haru had to guess, it would probably be the one with the headline, “HELP I’M PROPOSING TO AI WHAT DO U THINK OF THIS RING?????”

Haru was a little surprised to see that Rin was (finally - though Haru couldn’t really talk) going to propose, but at the same time, he wasn’t. It was a given that they’d spend their lives together, the same way that it was with Haru and Makoto. He smiled a little, thinking of the little box hidden in a coat pocket in their closet.

“I see it. One sec.”

He opened the attached photo, a ring with a red gem in the center flanked by two triangles designed with diamonds. The ring tapered gently as the band receded from the center stone; it was really beautiful.

“It’s pretty,” Haru said, and Rin broke into a grin. “It’ll suit him. When are you going to do it?”

“Ahh, I guess next month?”

“You guess?”

“I haven’t really thought it out yet,” Rin muttered, rubbing the back of his head. “I just got really obsessed with finding the ring... Ai’s fucking boss is _still_ trying to set him up with one of his daughters. Keeps talking about pretty babies and sturdy, hard-working young men. It’s gross.”

“Sounds gross.”

“What about you? When are you gonna finally ask Makoto?”

“Finally?”

“It’s been six years, dude.”

Haru sighed. “Want to see the ring?”

“I knew it!” Rin exclaimed, leaning forward in his seat and resting his elbows on his knees. “Show me.”

Haru stood up and went to the closet, finding the box and taking out the ring. He sat back down, and turned on the desk lamp before he held it up to the camera.

“Ah, nice. What’s the etching?”

“It’s called a Claddagh ring. It’s Celtic, it symbolizes deep friendship.”

Rin smiled. “Sounds about right.”

Haru put the ring back in the box and set it aside. “I’m asking him tomorrow. It’s our anniversary… We’re going out to eat, and then I’m taking him to our favorite park. It has a nice pond. Hopefully it’ll be sunset.”

“Makoto will eat that shit up,” Rin said, a smug grin on his face.

“That’s the point.”

“Ten bucks says he cries.”

“Yeah, probably.”

They sat in the quiet for a moment, and then Rin’s smile turned wistful.

“We made the right choice back then,” he saie, and Haru nodded.

“We’d have been a disaster,” he agreed easily. “I’m way happier now.”

Rin put a hand over his heart and feigned offense. “Ouch, Haru!”

Haru shrugged. “Well, so are you.”

“Yeah,” Rin said. “I am.”

“I’m glad,” Haru said, a small smile on his face. It went quiet again.

“Y’know, I think in some ways… I still love you like I did in high school,” Rin said, and Haru nodded.

“I think I do, too,” he said, because it had been a whirlwind right before they’d gotten together, something like an electric high right up until everything had fallen down around their shoulders, because they were never meant for each other and never meant to last.

Still, neither of them could ever forget the power of the emotions that had originally brought them together, even though they had later realized that they were in love with other people.

Though the quiet that followed Haru’s statement was serious, almost solemn, it didn’t take long for Rin to narrow his eyes at him, a teasing look on his face.

“Do you ever have regrets? About us?” Rin asked, and Haru resisted the urge to shoot him the bird as he heard the lilt in his voice and took in the smirk on his face.

“Sometimes,” Haru answered, and let Rin sit and marinate in that for a long moment, his expression surprised and so, so stupid. “Mostly that we didn’t end it sooner.”

Haru had meant it as a joke, but the weight of his statement settled darkly over them, because it was something that they both felt. Regret that they’d ever tried to date, because in the process they’d hurt the people that meant the most to them.

Haru had always loved Makoto, but never really understood what it meant. If he’d had the words, if he hadn’t been afraid to put thought into their relationship, he might have realized what Makoto meant to him much sooner than he did. As it was, it had taken breaking his best friend’s heart for Haru to get it, for it to click in his mind that Makoto was his everything.

Makoto was his soul mate, and Haru had been a teenage idiot with raging hormones who had almost destroyed everything because he'd realized it too late in the game, only after he had already hurt Makoto.

It was because there had been Rin, who was bright and intense, who flared a heat in Haru that he’d felt stir in him before, when he’d looked at Makoto, but the difference was that he acknowledged it with Rin without fear, chasing the feeling right along with Rin. Rin especially fanned their flame, and the lust in his eyes and the undeniable magnetism between them had been enough to push them to come together.

There had been so much build-up, so much tension, and then infatuation had culminated into mind-blowing sex one day when Rin came to visit him.

Immediately after they had sex for the first time, Haru had felt euphoric, complete; two hours later, once Rin was gone, he felt empty, and he couldn’t figure out why, though somehow he knew that it wasn't because of Rin's absence. Haru would never forget or stop regretting how stupid he was at the time, because as he closed the door on Rin, Makoto’s face had hung heavy in his mind... Though he couldn't put his finger on why that was, either. He’d spent a long time in the bath that night, trying to piece together why he felt so broken when he was supposed to be happy and in love.

He told Makoto a week later that he and Rin were dating, and felt his blood run cold in shock at the devastation that flashed across Makoto’s face before he could hide it - and suddenly, there it was.

Makoto was in love with him.

That was one of the best and worst moments of Haru’s life, when he finally recognized Makoto’s affections for what they were. It was the best, because suddenly the need for Makoto’s attention made sense - he'd never forget the way his heart had pounded when the physical and emotional desire for Makoto that he’d pushed down for years had come roaring to the forefront of his heart - but also the worst, because being with Makoto would mean breaking things off with Rin.

Rin, who was still so fragile. Rin, who struggled with self-confidence. Rin, who had an intense loneliness complex. Rin, who was trying so hard to let people in, to rely on others again.

This wasn’t just about Haru, or even Haru and Makoto. Haru was suddenly in the middle of some kind of TV drama script, a huge emotional mess, and he’d had no idea what to do.

In his indecision, he stayed in a kind of pseudo-relationship with Rin; after the second (the last) time they had sex in a desperate effort to recapture those first feelings, Haru had been so unnerved by the experience, by his disappointment in himself and the reality was that he'd been so, so wrong about his own feelings for Rin, that they’d stopped being intimate altogether. The fire was gone, and Haru was torn between wanting it back (because something, _something_ had to come out of hurting Makoto) and wishing he could just break things off and pursue his best friend.

He could admit, at age 24, that 18 year old him was an idiot, and ultimately a huge jerk, especially considering what he'd done in the weeks that followed.

Rin hadn’t seemed bothered by not being physical (maybe even relieved, in retrospect), but things were strained - really, things had _been_ strained since even before Rin had left his house the night they’d lost their virginity to each other. He and Rin had been withdrawing from each other ever since that first time, and there was a bad tension whenever they were together, same as there was a painful, intense tension whenever Haru spent time with Makoto.

So Haru did what he knew best, even though he knew it was wrong: he hid from the problem. He spent a lot of time in the tub or pool, thinking about how horrible of a human being he was for being so indecisive and so stupid for ever involving Rin in his even stupider emotions, and dealt with the heavy guilt of hurting Makoto and the pressure of the regret he felt when it came to ever dating Rin.

His phone was hardly ever on.

Weeks passed, and suddenly it was down to the wire - Rin was about to leave for Australia. Haru realized that this was his chance, because they hadn't talked about what they would do when he left at all yet; now he could tell Rin that he wanted to stay in Japan, and that it was best to end it, and there would be fewer hard feelings.

And then, maybe, if it wasn't too late, if he hadn't ruined everything already, he could ask Makoto to be with him.

So the weekend before Rin’s flight, he was plugging in his dead phone so he could text Rin that he wanted to talk, when Rin had shown up at his house and all but kicked down his door and started sobbing like he was prone to do, hiccupping that he couldn’t do this anymore, and that he felt like “a totally worthless piece of shit,” because he didn’t want to be with Haru, and they were a mistake, and he was sorry but they had to end it, he’d wanted to end it ever since they started but he just hadn’t known _how_.

Haru acutely remembered the relief he felt, how he’d uncharacteristically taken Rin in his arms and told him that it was okay, that he felt the exact same way.

After that, they sat and talked for a long time, Rin explaining that he’d realized he was really in love with Nitori-kun and had only been infatuated with Haru, mesmerized by his swimming, his beauty, and the spirit of competition between them, which had suddenly blinded him to the steady, soul-deep, loving companionship that Nitori-kun offered.

Haru had never related to someone more than he did Rin at that moment, and told him in return that he was going to ask Makoto to be with him. He'd gone out of character again that night, reflecting on himself in his conversation with Rin and talking about how he should have seen his very different feelings for Rin and Makoto for what they were. Rin cried some more, and Haru would never forget how broken he'd sounded when he'd asked the two questions that were heavy in Haru's heart:

_"Did we fuck it all up? Is it too late?"_

_"We won't know unless we try,"_ Haru had answered.

At the time, Haru really hadn't been sure Makoto would even believe him when he confessed, because he knew that it would seem out of nowhere, especially since Makoto probably thought that Haru had been spending all his time wrapped up in Rin. But he was done making stupid decisions, and he wasn’t going to let Makoto go to Tokyo and live on the other side of the city, surrounded by new people, so that he would be snatched away. Haru’s life was not a shoujou manga; he knew who it was that he was really wanted to be with, and he wasn’t going to waste any more time. He wasn't sure what he would do if Makoto said no, if it was too late, and he honestly hadn't been able think about it, because otherwise he would never have asked. All he knew was that he wanted Makoto at his side, and even though he was young, he felt sure that he wanted to spend his life with him.

Really, it had always been Makoto.

After they talked, Rin had left just before the last train back to Samezuka, and Haru had gone to bed with a weight like hope and dread in his chest.

The day Rin flew to Australia, Haru confessed to Makoto, and he’d accepted, despite the hesitation Haru had seen in his eyes. They’d been together ever since, and Haru had worked hard to make Makoto feel confident in his feelings and their relationship.

“Yeah, we almost fucked everything up, like, really bad,” Rin replied, bringing Haru back to the present. Haru nodded, and Rin continued, “But you know, if we hadn’t done it, we wouldn’t be where we are now. So I can’t really say I regret it.”

“Yeah, but I wish I hadn't hurt him,” Haru murmured. A burst of insecurity flared in him as he thought of how badly he’d hurt Makoto all those years ago, and he found himself blurting, “I hope he says yes.”

Rin snorted, looking at him like he was a moron. “Look, if he’s put up with your weirdness this long, I doubt he’s going anywhere,” Rin said, and the atmosphere turned light again.

“I guess.”

“Anyway, do I have your approval on the ring?” Rin asked, and Haru nodded. “Alright. I’m sold then. Let me go so I can look up fancy ass restaurants and hotels and figure this whole proposal thing out.”

“Alright,” Haru said, adding quickly, “Wish me luck tomorrow.”

“You won’t need it, but okay. See ya.”

And Rin cut the connection.

Haru shut the computer down and picked up the ring box, taking it back to its hiding place in the closet. He noted the time, thinking that Makoto was a little late, but shrugged it off and so he went to the kitchen to start dinner.

As he cooked, Haru felt that ache in his chest that signaled that it’d been too long since he’d last talked to Makoto, and every now and then he caught himself staring at the door, willing Makoto to walk through it.

After he finished cooking, he picked up his phone. No new messages or missed calls.

He texted Makoto, who said he was out drinking, and Haru felt a wave of sadness wash over him, and after making sure nothing big was wrong, he pulled a trump card, asking Makoto to just come home. He rarely asked much of Makoto, and knew he'd have trouble resisting the request. It was just that Haru wanted to see him so, so much.

Eventually, Makoto did come home, and it was an emotional disaster followed by the happiest thing he’d ever experienced, but after everything, as he lay there on top of Makoto, grounded by the person he loved most in the world with a ring on his finger to prove that Makoto felt the same, Haru could honestly say he was the luckiest man alive.

Because Makoto was choosing to be with him.

Because they would be forever.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading this far!
> 
>  
> 
> [Rin's ring for Ai](https://www.gemologica.com/garnet-diamond-mens-white-gold-oval-ring-p-1913.html)


End file.
